Most of us want our relationships to work, and one strategy is by trying to please our partner so much, that we fail to attend to our own personal needs. Believing that if we just focus all of our energy on making our partner happy, everything will work out fine. We start making decisions based solely on what we think they want or what they like. We don’t want to trouble them with our needs or offer any strong opinions in case they might conflict with theirs. Then we wonder why we aren’t feeling so happy after all.
Losing yourself in a relationship can create anxiety, resentment, or even hopelessness, and can cause you to rebel, or express yourself in exaggerated or extreme ways. You can start becoming irrational and making stands for things that don’t really matter, purely because you want to be acknowledged.
If you don’t think that you are being listened to and don’t feel safe in expressing yourself rationally, regularly and freely. Your thoughts and feelings will be expressed with less clarity and you could find yourself squabbling about the most trivial things and behaving in a way that deep down you know isn’t rational.
There may be a number of reasons why this is happening. One being that you are with someone who is over critical, demanding and controlling and you haven’t got the confidence to assert yourself, and when you have tried in the past you have either been shot down or had the silent treatment. This could be a sign you are in a co-dependant relationship (see my blog on attachment styles http://www.effectiveliving.co.uk/2014/07/24/555/#more-555 ) and both of you fighting for your personal needs to be met by each other and resenting the other for not being able to do so. When in truth, it is an impossible task to achieve.
That doesn’t mean, that you don’t give and take in a relationship. Loving someone in a relationship is about giving more than you expect back. But never at the cost of our most important personal needs.
When we neglect our needs, we lose touch with who we really are, our true selves. The results can be neediness, insecurity and unhappiness. We become a “Pleaser”.
What we need to be aiming for is to know who we are, what our personal needs are and then focus on what our mutual role is within the relationship.
For us to feel secure in a relationship, we need to become more mindful and confident within in ourselves. Becoming mindful can help us regulate our emotions, be aware of our feelings and become less reactive, as well as learning to accept the current experience in a more objective manner.
So how do you stop yourself from losing yourself in a relationship? Here are 5 tips.
1. Learn how to become Mindful.
Mindfulness is generally characterized as having present moment awareness, where we observe our current experience of thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental manner. I really believe mindfulness can improve your relationship with yourself and others. Through learning to meditate and being in the present moment, you learn to manage your emotions rather than your emotions managing you. Helping you to differentiate between your thoughts and feelings, and not use old programming (past hurts, experiences) to control your response or reaction.
Mindfulness helps you see things from a different perspective rather than responding on auto-pilot. As you increase your ability to be more attuned and more empathic with yourself, your capacity to be attuned and empathic with your partner increases as well, and those things that use to press your buttons will pale into insignificance.
There are loads of books on mindfulness, Eckhart Tolle is good and you can access guided mindful meditations on youtube etc. If you want to start practising.
2. Don’t be a YES person.
Speak your mind and learn how to communicate your needs. Learn to say no, and your reasons for saying no. Saying No says – ‘I am looking after my needs and I respect myself’.
No, to something you don’t want to do and No, to certain behaviour. Saying you don’t mind when you do, isn’t going to get the respect you want or the support you need. We have to teach our partners what we need and want. They aren’t mind readers so sometimes you have to ask for what you want, or let them know when you’re not happy.
That doesn’t mean getting your own way and always being right. It’s learning to choose your battles, and let go of things that are not that important. It is being able to communicate your hurt and feelings in a way that doesn’t attack the other person but lets them know what is important to you and assert yourself when needed.
None of us like to be criticised and come on, most of us want our own way, and some of us like to push the boundaries. We have all hurt people unintentionally because we were thoughtless or totally unaware of the others vales, thoughts and feelings etc.
All couples fight and have disagreements, it is normal. However, it is learning how to iron out differences and understand each other’s values. Knowing how to communicate so both feel heard and understood, and for some of us it is just learning how to do it differently, so that we get what we need.
We all have different ways of expressing our needs and showing our love, and your partners might be completely different to yours. Learning how to show your partner love in the way that is preferable to them and not in the way we like and vice versa, might help.
Have a look at learning each other’s love language. There are 5 love languages and by understanding our partners love language can help us understand their needs and our own. Go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ where you and your partner can take the quiz.
Learning about your relationship attachment style is also a good starting point too. Want to find out what your attachment style is go to http://psychology.about.com/library/quiz/bl-attachment-quiz.htm
3. Remember who you are and all the qualities you bring to a relationship.
You’re friends, ex’s and family members will have all told you many times over about the beautiful and unique qualities that make up the person you are. Well, don’t forget! Remind yourself. As much as there are imperfection, there are lots of attractive qualities or you wouldn’t have attracted this person into your life.
Even though it may feel at times that they have forgotten what those qualities are. Don’t you forget, and make sure you keep those closest to you at hand to remind you how wonderful you are.
A word of warning though. If your partner is criticising you for the qualities others find attractive or they did initially, then just be careful. You could be with someone who is psychologically and emotionally abusive.
If it is getting to a stage where everything you do is wrong and you’re constantly being put down and criticised. Asking you to give up friends and family or making it awkward for you to socialise as a couple with them, especially those who have been the most supportive and closest to you. Think seriously about getting some help and talking through the pattern of behaviour of your relationship with a good relationship therapist.
4. Have a life of your own.
Having a shared goal in a relationship is good, having a shared vision and making plans actually strengthens a relationship. But you don’t have to be with each other 24/7. Make time for your own interest and friends.
I know that when you first meet someone, spending every moment with them can feel wonderful but it doesn’t last. Go to that night class you wanted to do, that Yoga retreat, sports activity whatever it is. Don’t stop your regular girls/night out.
Of course, your ultimate goal might be to have the most wonderful relationship, but don’t forget to have a wonderful relationship with yourself first.
5. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of what you think and believe a relationship should be.
“You complete me” what a load of old cobblers. No relationship is perfect and don’t put yourself under pressure to have a perfect relationship. There isn’t one! So enjoy it.
No other person has the ability to complete you, rescue you or make you whole.
You are not perfect and you’re not going to get a perfect partner. However, if you get 80% of what you want in a relationship then you have a good relationship; sometimes we just need to remind ourselves. As well as remembering to be ourselves, like ourselves and become the best person we can be.
As you focus on your own happiness you will be amazed at the transformation that starts to occur within you. You will feel comfortable in your own skin, and you won’t approach your relationship from a place of need, but rather one of strength. Your partner will be drawn to your confidence and will do anything just to be able to spend time with you. If they don’t, then well, I don’t need to tell you what to do!
If you feel that you are losing yourself in relationship but don’t know how to get yourself back. Why not give me a call and arrange a free one hour consultation. http://www.effectiveliving.co.uk/contact-me/
Ref from:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201308/how-be-someone-still-be-yourself
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/positive-psychology/2012/04/how-mindfulness-can-help-you-regulate-emotions/
How to Love Someone without Losing Yourself
